Category Archives: Jokes

buying a computer

Costello wants to buy a Computer from Abbott

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store.

Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den, and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the names Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer.

I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my names Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office.

Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.

What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W.”

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great, with what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO; OK, I’m at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue “1.”

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue “1.”

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue “W”?

ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there’s three words in “office for windows”!

ABBOTT: No, just one. but its the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren’t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn’t even Part of Office.

COSTELLO: Stop! Don’t start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled to my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(LATER)

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off??

ABBOTT: Click on “START”……….

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Geek humor

Two strings walk into a bar.  The first one says, “Bartender!  Bartender! I want a drink!”
The second one says, “Bartender! Bartender! I want a drink too! blaaaaaaaaah Eeeeeeeek yaaaaaaak oooooooh.”
The first one says, “Please excuse my friend.  He isn’t null terminated.”

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Once upon a time, a computer programmer drowned at sea.  Many fishermen were on the beach and heard him cry out, “F1!  F1!”, but no one understood.

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Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says “Hey – get out! We don’t want your type in here.”

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There are 10 kinds of people in the world… those who understand binary and those who don’t.

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Why programmers often mix up Halloween and Christmas?
Because OCT 31 = DEC 25

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Did you hear about the programmer they found dead in his shower? He was clutching an shampoo bottle with the instructions “Lather. Rinse. Repeat.”

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More Computer jokes

  1. A fellow programmer had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation. When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief then remarked, “I’m so glad you’re teaching me instead of him.”

    Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was.

    “Yes,” she said, “but I feel much more comfortable with you … I get nervous around really smart people.

  2. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

  3. A programmer is a disillusioned employee who used to think she liked computers.

  4. A computer programmer is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

  5. I went to http://www.winzip.com and they had a download link for a download of winzip.zip

  6. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

  7. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

  8. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

  9. Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

  10. A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer were riding together to an engineering seminar. Suddenly the car began jerking and shuttering.

    The mechanical engineer, said, “I think the car has a faulty carburetor.”

    The electrical engineer said, “No, I think the problem lies with the alternator.”

    The computer engineer brightened up and said, “I know, let’s stop the car, all get out of the car and get back in again!”

  11. Question: Why do they call it hyper text?

    Answer: Too much JAVA.

  12. Question: Why was the computer so tired when it got home?

    Answer: Because it had a hard drive!

  13. You know you’ve been working too much if you try to enter your password on the microwave.

  14. You know you’ve been working too much if you email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back, “What’s for dinner dad?”

  15. You know you’ve been working too much if you set up a web site for your daughter to sell Girl Scout Cookies.

  16. You know you’ve been working too much if you chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven’t spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

  17. The computer company my wife worked for distributed a corporate clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (control) and the other Esc (escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard.

    “They would make a good present for any man,” my wife commented to a colleague, “if only to remind him of the two things he can never have.”

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Compute Jokes

  1. If we built our buildings the same way we build our software, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.

  2. Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.

  3. If you lie to the compiler, it will have its revenge.

  4. In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them.

  5. If it is useless, it will have to be documented. If it is useful, it will have to be maintained.

  6. There is not now and never will be a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.

  7. Didja know? The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

  8. Computer programmers never die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.

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Computer heaven and hell

In Computer Heaven:

The management is from Intel,

The design and hardware is done by Apple,

The marketing is done by Microsoft,

IBM provides the support,

Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell:

The management is from Apple,

Microsoft does design and hardware,

IBM handles the marketing,

The support is from Gateway,

Intel sets the price.

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NO EMAIL Address

An unemployed man was desperate to support his family. His wife did nothing but watch TV all day while his three teenage kids had dropped out of high school to hang around with the local troublemakers. His option limited, he applied for a janitor’s job at a large company and easily passed the aptitude test.

      The human resources manager told him: “You will be hired at a minimum wage of $5.05 an hour. Let me know your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms, and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day.”

      But the man pointed out that he was too poor to afford a computer, and that therefore he didn’t have an e-mail address. The manager replied icily: “Surely you must realise that to a company like ours, not having an e-mail address means that you virtually cease to exist. Without e-mail you can hardly expect to be employed by a hi-tech firm. Good day.”

      Stunned and dismayed, the man left. Not knowing which way to turn and with just $10 left in his wallet, he walked past a market wholesaler and saw a trader selling 25lb crates of beautiful red tomatoes. So he bought a crate, carried it to a busy street corner and began selling them. In less than two hours he sold all the tomatoes and made a 100 per cent profit. Repeating the process several more times a day, he finished up with nearly $100 and arrived home that night with several bags of groceries for his hungry family.

      Not surprisingly, he decided to repeat the tomato business the next day, and by working long hours he quickly multiplied his profits. By the second week he had invested in a cart and two weeks later he bought a broken-down pickup truck. At the end of the year he owned three trucks. His two sons had left their neighbourhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife was buying the tomatoes, and his daughter was taking night courses in accountancy at the local college so that she could keep his books.

      After five years, he owned a fleet of trucks and warehouse, which his wife supervised, plus two tomato farms managed by the boys. The tomato company’s payroll gave work to hundred of homeless and jobless people. His daughter reported that the business grossed a million dollars. Planning for the future, he decided to buy some life insurance and, with the help of an insurance adviser, he picked a plan that suited his newfound wealth. Then the adviser asked him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

      When the man replied that he didn’t have time to mess with a computer and had no e-mail address, the insurance advisor was stunned. “What? No computer? No Internet? No e-mail? Just think where you would be today if you’d had all of that five years ago!”

      “Ha!” snorted the man. “If I’d had e-mail five years ago, I would be sweeping floors at a multinational computer company and making $5.05 an hour.”

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Bill gates new house

Bill Gates bought a new house…

Bill: There are a few issues we need to discuss.

Contractor: You have your basic support option. Calls are free for the first ninety days and $75 a call thereafter. OK?

Bill: Uh, yeah. The first issue is the living room. We think it’s a little smaller than we anticipated.

Contractor: Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date.

Bill: We won’t be able to fit all our furniture in there. 

Contractor: Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room or you can use a stacker.

Bill: A stacker?

Contractor: Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch, the chairs on the table, and so on. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you’re done.

Bill: Uh. I don’t know. Issue two: the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won’t fit. The threads run the wrong way.

Contractor: Oh, that’s easy! Those bulbs aren’t plug and play. You’ll have to upgrade to the new bulbs.

Bill: And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?

Contractor: Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system.

Bill: You’re kidding!

Contractor: Nope. It’s the only way.

Bill: Well… I have one last problem. Sometimes when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won’t stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don’t work.

Contractor: That’s a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures.

Bill: And how do I fix that?

Contractor: Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, re-enter the house and then you can get back to work. 

Bill: That’s the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?

Contractor: Hey, nobody’s making you to buy it.

Bill: And when will this be fixed?

Contractor: Oh, in your next house, which will be ready to release some time near the end of next year. It was due out this year, but we’ve had some delays…

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